life sucks.

it sucks when you love someone, and that isnt enough.
it sucks when youre sleep deprived, but are terribly scared to sleep.
it sucks when there is so many people around, but you feel so god damn alone.
it sucks when youre hurting, but noone knows it.
it sucks when you cry yourself to sleep, and then wake up and nothing is better.
it sucks when you have these problems, but you arent comfortable talking about it.
it sucks when you cant talk to your best friend about something because you feel wrong.
it sucks when you want so badly to be happy, but you still seem to be down ALL THE TIME.
it sucks when all you want to do is cry all day, but you cant be seen like that.
it sucks when you honestly feel like you lost everything, but you have so much.
it sucks when you feel like dying, but realize so many people would kill to be in your shoes.

people dont realize how good or bad someone has it, no matter how simuliar the relationships are/were, you will NEVER know how it feels for a specific person to have their heartbroken, "i love you" isnt forever for everyone, people change, dont say you understand because frankly YOU DONT, killing yourself hurts others, and if you cant be happy why not at least make someone else happy. these are the things ive learned/realized.

FYI.

im skippind day three.
becuas eto be honest, i dont have pictures of them together, and it hurts.
because until last year i had dreams that they would one day get married.
yes i am a child and wish for these things.

here is my advice to you young lovers.

confused.

ive been have werid dreams lately. and in the last two dreams ive had, my dad has notice my scars. last night in my dream, he felt my scars. its werid, because as they heal and slowly fade, i wonder if he knows about them...

it plays in my head like a broken record.
OVER AND OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN.
you pulled me close, kissed me, and said you missed me. you told me you loved me.
but five minutes later, everything changed, and i was once again, ALONE.

if only this was me and you.

i shouldnt blog during this time of the month.

i always change my mind and people probably think im CRAZYY.

i know i am.

for some reason, i jsut feel like crying.

like i jsut want to like bawl my eyes out right now, and i dont know why.

daytwo.

MYFIRSTLOVE.

samdarsh singh sondh.

ive told others i loved them,

but i meant it to you.

you taught me what it mean to TRUELY and DEEPLY love someone.

i still love you and i always will.

im always going to be yours.

i meant EVERYTHING i said.

12312008.03112010.03122010.03302010.

MARCH 2010 WAS THE SHITTEST MONTH IN MY LIFE.

i have NO idea why im writing on people's facebook walls telling them that i love them, but i feel like they should know. like i dunno. what if something ever happened.they should know i care and love them.i dont know. im werid i guess.

DAY ONE.

INTRODUCTIONS:

hello, im josie. im sixteen, and im a juniorrr. :D

i hide behind a smile, except in blogspot. which is why i seem so crazy, im not normally this insane.kind of. ive been in love, and still am, even if its not mutual. so please, dont try and "get at me" cause it annoys the shit out of me. but if you need a friend, i love to be there for people.

bye. (:

NEW THIRTY DAYS.

day 01 – introduce yourself
day 02 – your first love
day 03 – your parents
day 04 – what you ate today
day 05 – your definition of love
day 06 – your day
day 07 – your best friend
day 08 – a moment
day 09 – your beliefs
day 10 – what you wore today
day 11 – your siblings
day 12 – what’s in your bag
day 13 – this week
day 14 – what you wore today
day 15 – your dreams
day 16 – your first kiss
day 17 – your favorite memory
day 18 – your favorite birthday
day 19 – something you regret
day 20 – this month
day 21 – another moment
day 22 – something that upsets you
day 23 – something that makes you feel better
day 24 – something that makes you cry
day 25 – a first
day 26 – your fears
day 27 – your favorite place
day 28 – something that you miss
day 29 – your aspirations
day 30 – one last moment

okay, im tired of this 30 days, im gonna start a new one, but heres the rest.

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
i really try not to, and im sure i have, but i jsut cant think of any.

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
i give everyone a second chance, except myself. i want to give myself a second chance. at happiness, at love, at trust, hope, dreams, AT LIFE.

Day 23 — The last person you kissed
jeez you make me smile, and cry. :/

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
samdarsh.the best 14 months 3 weeks 4 days 1 hour and 14 minutes of my life.

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
i dont think anyone i know has it the worst, cause its different for everyone and compared to other people, their shit is nothing, BUT i guess, my best friend has it pretty shitty. and im sorry, you dont deserve it. ♥

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
haha, my three year old nephew aiden. ♥

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
hm, chances are, if i only knew you for a day, i dont remember you. im really bad with people.

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
samdarsh singh sondh. you changed my life and i can never get it back, and at times it sucks, but you taught me so much, and ill never regret it.

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
samdarsh, adrian, and my family.

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
changes from day to day sadly.

to be honest.

i love you, and i always will, and while i may still be waiting for you, im gonna wait with a smile, not tears running down my face. im finally SLOWLY becoming happier. although it may take a while, and im sure i may take a few detours, im finally ready to be a happierish child and live my life.hopefully this isnt jsut the PMS talking. (:

ZELDA.

this is my guilty pleasure. ♥

secrets six and seven.

6: sometimes i honestly cant help but hate my life, and other times, its the best thing ever.

7: this is no secret but, I WANT YOU BACK, I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

MISSED DAY19 AND HERE TWENTY ALSO.

19: someone who pesters my mind.
YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU. i love you so much and sometimes i feel liek you love me too, and other times i feel like you couldnt hate me more.


20:the one that broke your heart the hardest.
you are the only one i ever let be such a big part of my life that my heart could break. and now its broken and im dying, so thanks.

LASERTAG.♥

honestly, today was the best day ever. i havent had so much fun in sucha long time. kien, ian, and adrian are the best people ever. i dont think even you could ever make me as happy as i was today. i forgot all my worries and troubles and had sucha great time. we are gonna do it again in a few weeks. ♥

it finally feels like summer. and its gonna be one to remember.

secretfive

i lie about my feelings all the time, maybe not on blogspot, but in person. and i feel terrible about it.but i also feel terrible about the truth.

DAY18

i want to be the girl you fell in love with. i want to be me, but i want to be the old me. i want to smile all the time and mean it. i want to love, laugh, smile, play, kiss, hug, and live like i used to. i dont want to distance myself from the world. i want to have all my old friends back, but keep the new ones ive made too. i want to be with you and be happy like i used to. i want to be an honest person, i want to be happy, honest, loving, sweet, caring, nice, and i jsut want to be the old me.

i wish you said the same to me.i wish i could remember you love me.

me and kien have this bucketlist.
and tomorrow,
we will be crossing off number three.
LASER TAGG. <3

SECRETFOUR.

if i had the guts, id ask you out, even if it would make things akward again.

DAY17

SOMEONE FROM MY CHILDHOOD.
best friends since 3rd grade.
this is why i fucking love flashcards, i know that i could possibly meet my new best friend. <3

secret3

im scared of life. honestly im scared. i barely leave my house because im afraid of the world. im afraid ill get hurt or lost or forgotten. im jsut scared to move forward in life, i want to be a kid again.

DAY16.

my brother is in california. and wont visit because of someone who made a huge mistake. she was wrong and im sorry she did that, but i miss you, and i need you.

made it on polyvore.

SERIOUSLY, YOURE FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND I CANT GET YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

i went to berrycup today.i saw some of your friends there, and i wished we were there together getting yogurt together. then maybe i wouldnt have felt so god damn akward......
i want to be able to call them my friends, but i only know them, because of you.

DAYFIFTEEN.

i want to say i miss my brother the most, but i cant. because i miss you more than anythign in the world. i miss the laughs we had, the kisses, the hugs, the tears, the smiles, and everything in between. i miss everything about you. you were the only thing that kept me sane. now that you are gone, i feel like im going crazy. it doesnt help that i thought we could still be best friends, but im the only one who makes the effort to talk. im done trying though, i cant keep chasing you. tell me when you are ready to meet up and be together, or at least friends. because i cant keep texting you if you dont care.im sorry, but know,

I MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

i told you i had the picture form when you gave me mr. cuddles.

secret number two.

i want to be the perfect child jsut like you think i am. but i want you to see what i really do, and how i really act. because im FAR from perfect.

dont you see, we are meant to be?

Did you forget all the plans

that you made with me

Cause baby I didn't

That should be me, holding your hand

That should be me, making you laugh

That should be me, this is so sad

That should be me, that should be me

That should be me feeling your kiss

That should be me, buying you gifts

This is so wrong, I can't go on

Do you believe..That that should be me

You said you needed a little time

From my mistakes

Its funny how you used that time

To have me replaced

my secrets, numero uno.

i cry my eyes out every night. i think there has only been one or two nights in the past 88 days where i havent had my pillow soaked in tears. i feel like an asshole, its all my fault, and i feel so alone. i feel alone without your arms around me. i feel so alone in this world. you were my heart, my life, and my soul. i shouldnt have gotten that close, but i did and i cant take it back now. i want to be happy again. i want to smile all the time. i want to be able to have a good time. i dont want to lie to everyone i see, i dont want to hide my arms with long sleeves and bracelets. i dont want to lose everything i ever had, ever will have, or ever wanted. byt without you, my life feels like its leterally falling apart.i cant sleep. i cant eat. i cant write. i cant do anything.

basically, my secret is i cant live without you.

DAY FOURTEEN.

ive drifted not only from my world, but also the world.

we used to be best friends, and now i feel lucky if we even say fucking hi. its terrible.

i never do anything with anyone, the thought of being around people is terrifying. i feel like anyone at any moment could potientally hurt me. i feel like if i leave, ill see you with some other girl. i feel like youll move on, and i wont. id rather stay sheltered. you were the only thing making me feel protected, and now youre gone. im vunerable, scared, and alone.

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind,Until the night.

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,Until the night.

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gV3g9LCvPc&feature=PlayList&p=AB68F129DDE71FDB&playnext_from=PL&index=33&playnext=2

http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/openTheBox?sendevent=4f4445784f4467774d5877784e7a55324f4451794d673d3d0d0a&sb=1

i used to write beautiful love poems,

i could write for days about all the amazing feelings i got when i say you.

now all i can write is dealth, blood, tears, and being alone.

you changed me, and i dont want to stay this way. i want to go back.

i want to be happy.

i want to love again. i want to stop crying over you.

i want to have a normal relationship without worrying about getting hurt.

i want to forget everything.

i want to forget, forgive, and move on.

i need to stop. i jsut cant.

i need you in my life, even if only as a friend.

the absence of you makes me want to give up.

ive thought about doing things i dont believe in, things i know are wrong, and things that would possibly make me happy, but only for a night. but everytime i think about it, i think of how disappointed you would be. and then, i just cant bring myself to do it.

maybe that is a good thing.

but i really just want to be happy, even if its only one night.

we put the FUN in disFUNctional.

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said.

Nothing's gonna make this right again.

Please don't turn your back.

I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you.

But you don't understand.

'Cuz we lost it all.

Nothing lasts forever.

I'm sorry.

I can't be perfect.

Now it's just too late and.

We can't go back.

I'm sorry.

I can't be perfect.

_______________________________________________________________

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you

Do you ever want to run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels alright

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding.

_______________________________________________________________

Don't wanna think about tomorrow (jump)

I just don't care tonight

I just wanna jump (jump)

Don't wanna think about my sorrow

Let's go, whoa

Forget your problems

I just wanna jump

I don't wanna wake up one day

And find out it's too late

To do all the things I wanna do

So I'm gonna pack up my bags

I'm never coming back

'Cuz the years are passing by

And I'm wasting all my t-t-time

__________________________________________________________

♥simple plan, you know the soundtrack to my life.

DAYTHIRTEEN

honestly, more than anythign right now, i would love it if i forgave myself. i let this happen.

if only you knew, how much i adore yew.

you left me alone,
tears down my face,
like a hurricane,
everything came crashing down.
you smile at me,
its shines.

a simple kiss next to a tree.
why cant you just love me?

[11:14] killswitchxsam: guitar+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you+you=LOVE :-)
[11:15] spiderman9412: (: you forgot the gaywads.
[11:15] Spiderman9412: haha.
[11:15] killswitchxsam: haha
[11:15] killswitchxsam: fuck them :P


how did it all fall apart so quickly?

FUCK.you were adorable.

[00:22] killswitchxsam: i read this thingy on myspace
[00:23] killswitchxsam: and it was like repost this in 15 minutes or u will lose the person u love
[00:23] killswitchxsam: so i was like okay i repost it
[00:23] killswitchxsam: dont wanna lose josie :P

what changed?why did you leave me? did you know that you would never actually lose me?i did.

[13:31] killswitchxsam: wait
[13:31] killswitchxsam: i wanna hang out with you!
[13:31] killswitchxsam: no no
[13:31] killswitchxsam: fail!!!!
[13:32] Spiderman9412: no i cant.
[13:32] killswitchxsam: :'(
[13:32] Spiderman9412: im sorryy.
[13:33] Spiderman9412: i reuse to cancel your plans.
[13:33] killswitchxsam: :'(
[13:34] Spiderman9412: you will have superr funn.
[13:34] killswitchxsam: pweeeeeezzzz
[13:34] killswitchxsam: i wanna see you
[13:35] Spiderman9412: no wayy man.you gotta hang out with the guys.

you used to beg to hang out with me, but in the end, you said we spent too much time together. you said you never could hang out with your friends.

WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME?

because clearly, i didnt change in the right way, and i wish i knew how this happened....

http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/profile?id=1652085

CHECK ITTT. (:

this summer, i need to be happy.

i want happiness, friends, romance, goodtimes, memories, and rain dances.(:

i want this summer to be perfect. i want a real summer.

yanno, i had so much trouble going to bed last night.

i was tired but i couldnt sleep.

right after i talked to you, and you said

"goodnight.sweet dreams."

i slept like baby.

and i had a smile on my face.

DAYTWELEVE.

i put a picture of both of us because while you did hurt me so much, i feel like ive hurt myself more.
you hurt me, but i could never hate you. you didnt mean to hurt me, you just needed to make yourself happy too, and i admire you for that.
i hurt myself, emotionally and physically, and i cant forgive myself like i can forgive you.im the one that pulled you too close and made you need to be apart, im the one who fought with you all the time, and im the one who took you for granted. i made you unhappy, and for that, i will never forgive myself. i put myself through more pain than i sixteen year old should go through. my life isnt the worst, compared to others, i have an amazing life, but that doesnt mean that i have it easy for myself, maybe for others i have it easy, but for me, all i do is hurt myself with everything i do or say.

i want to go back.

you took a piece of me when you left, and it was a very important organ, and now i cant live my life, because you have it.

i dont regret the time we spent together.

i do regret the time we dont have anymore, i regret falling so hard because now im dying inside.

i want to go back,

i want to go back to the time when we first broke up, we started to become friends again, and maybe we should have stayed that way.

i wish jacob had never told me it wasnt too late. i wish i could just feel like i used to.

i wish i could be happy and always having fun.

i want to go back to the time before i cried myself to sleep night after night.

i want to be able to love again, and i want to not feel so worthless and not good enough.

all these couples are getting back together, and the guys come running back to these girls.

all i ever think about is,

"why am i not good enough? why doesnt he want me back? why doesnt he miss me and come running back to me? why cant he just love me like i love him, or how i thought he loved me? why doesnt he ever think of the old times we spent jsut laying down cuddling and loving? why am i sitting here, dying of a broken heart, and he is out with his friends having the time of his life?"

i believed everything you said, and maybe you meant it.....at the time.

but the point is that you dont mean any of it anymore.

and THAT is what hurts the most.

knowing that i clearly had changed from the person you loved, because if i hadnt changed we could still be in love.

3599.) I think about you every day. I mean, EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. And I hate the fact that I know you don’t think about me. You have her, why would you? But I think about all of the things you told me, about how you said the two of you were fading to friends anyway. And you said that I had amazing eyes and that you loved my laugh and that if I were there, you would be mine. And I believed it. ALL of it. Because I fell for you so hard and fast and you truly made me think that you might take a chance on me. And then you said that even if we don’t work out, even if we can’t be together, that we’re always going to be best mates. You said that and then told me how bad you wanted me, how bad you wanted to fuck me. And then you said you loved me. You said you weren’t going anywhere. You fucking said ALL OF THAT. And now you won’t say anything to me at all.

dayeleven.

a deceased person i wish i could still talk to is my doggy.
i still cry sometimes. i used to go out on the deck with you and sing you are my sunshine, i would cuddle up to you and just cry. i felt so safe hearing your claws on the kitchen floor at night. i miss you. ♥ i never even got to say goodbye. im sorry.

the scarest thing is how id still trust you with my life.

youre a bitch.

seriously, i dont even know you and i can tell youre a bitch. it doesnt matter what youve been through or are going through, you dont do that shit to your best friend.

dumb cunt.

this is going to sounds werid and creepy, but i kinda want to get kidnapped or murdered or something. jsut so i could see how people react, well mostly to see how you react.what you would do, how you would feel, what you would say, everything. i miss knowing you. it hurts to close my eyes at night. it hurts because i see you, my heart breaks all over again and my vision is blocked with a salty wall of water. i can feel my face getting hot, i can feel my throat closing, and i can begin to hear myself breathe.

you siruh, are killing me. inside and out. even if you arent trying, you are fucking killing me.

bleh i dont know.

im jsut kind of bored.so i decided to blog.i have too much in my head, too much to the point that i always have a headache but i never have anything to say.it sucks because i know i cant make myself feel better. today, i was told i was a sweetheart and that i was gorgeous.i was told ill find someone new in no time, and while that could happen, i dont think i want anyone but you. its terrible. i love you so much i cant control my mind. i do things i shouldnt, and i do things that potientally will ruin us as friends. i leave scars on my body, which then are just left to become tragic reminders of the past eightyfour days. some of those i spent with you, which i cant tell right now if it helped or made things worst. at least we are talking again though. whenever i think of your voice though, i start to break down. i cant get you out of my head. i cant get your image out of my eyes.the image of us is always there. everytime i close my eyes, i see your eyes, your smile, your face. and on the rare occasion i dont see any of those, i see an image of what we could have been. i see us sitting on the porch of a nice house in rocking chairs with our old kitty and old doggy laying next to us. i see us laying in bed together, and i see us just holding hands as we slowly fall asleep forever. jsut like the notebook. you were my fairytale ending, i jsut wish someone had told me not to fall for the perfect prince charming.

blink-182.♥

DAYTEN.

C.H.- we never hang out anymore since you moved. and i love you and miss you lots. ♥

J.P.- im sorry everything went down the way it did, but i dont want to lose you. ):

M.D.- i just realized thats like maryland.haha. but anyways, we were like best friends when we were little and growing up sucks. you seem to be so nice still and i think we could be good friends.(:

J.E.- the same is for you, we were so close, but my sister and your brother broke up and that was kind of the end of that. :/ it sucks to leave it at that, and i realized we dont even have any pictures together from when we were little. :/

HAPPY FATHERS DAY.♥

i love my daddy.♥

DAY TEN.

my california family.this picure is missing maria though. :/

i miss you guys and we dont talk very much because we dont have much to talk about. you arent around and things change too quickly to tell you everything that happens. i miss you guys so much and i wish we talked more. so many bad things have happened and you guys make me forget it all. but so many good things happened and you guys would be soooo excited for me. i miss you. ♥

because of you, i feel like such an insomniac. its not healthy and one day i might die from it.

drawing by julia huey.

hun, you better watch out. you're a heartbreaker.

DAYNINE.

the people i want to meet:

i want to meet a couple that is truely a notebook couple. i want to meet two people hwo fell in love at fifteen and stayed together for the rest of their lives. i want to meet a man who would never give up hope with me, and who would remember little things like how i wanted a big white house with blue shutters in a wrap around porch. and id like to meet two people who would love to die in each others arms. i need to get hope for love. and i feel like meeting a couple like this, would show me, it definitely could happen.

it could happen, right?

DAYEIGHT.

my favorite internet friend....hmm.


http://anditslove.tumblr.com/page/1

yeah.probably this tumblr.

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like thisI just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

skillet. ♥

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4HWDq31L74&playnext_from=TL&videos=FFRxYHcoKJ4&playnext=8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1GweIXHNiA&playnext_from=TL&videos=FFRxYHcoKJ4&playnext=1

dear simple plan,

good job knowing my entire life. and describing pretty much everything in two songs.

its liek youre in my head. :O

sincerly, josie.

in the order i saw them:

suicide.

secrets.

cum. (hahahha.im gayy.)

past.

hmm that doesnt seem very good to me.

LMAO.

hahahhahahahhahha, elephants.

DAY SEVEN.

you are the most retarded child ive ever met,

but you are still not only my exboyfriend, but my crush, and my love.

i loved you then, and unfortunately i still do. but the day we took these pictures was the happiest ive ever been.i miss you. the old you, the person that i knew so well, and the person that never hurt me.

drearing eyes,

soaked cheeks,

inflamed wrists,

blood red hands,

she crys and crys,

but noone understands.

--original by me.--

get off the road.

I GOT MY PERMITTT. :D

im out of control.